by Bridie Donaghy

I have become obsessed with Adam Driver.

I don’t know if it’s my age or the isolation or what, but I am obsessed.

If you go into the search part of my Instagram, it is literally all Adam Driver based content; ‘Adam Driver as Kylo Ren’, ‘Adam Driver SNL’, ‘Adam Driver topless holding a mountain goat around his neck’. The algorithms are making it worse. They’re putting every single bit of Adam Driver content that there is in the world in front of me all of the time. Feeding my obsession. I consume it like biscuits or pringles or cigarettes. 

Last night I watched a montage video a fan put together from various films and tv programmes where Adam Driver holds babies. That’s all he does in the montage, hold babies.

I’ve watched the slow-motion video of him learning fights and doing stunts for Star Wars like thirty times now. The one where his hair flicks oh so slowly as he swings his massive arms around wielding a lightsaber. 

I go through phases where I’m a bit obsessed with people. 

Like, obviously, I wouldn’t actually stalk them or anything creepy, but I watch videos about them, read articles about them, cruise around their online fan accounts. I’m too fickle to make an actual fan account for anyone myself. I like too many different people at the same time to ever commit to just one. I’d honestly have like fifty fan accounts to maintain if I made one for every person I’ve been obsessed with.

Being obsessive isn’t cool, and it isn’t sexy either. Even just as a word it sounds gross, desperate. 

When I was younger, I was obsessed with Rupert Grint, the one who plays Ron Weasley in the Harry Potter movies, and I used to think about what I would say if I met him. I had this plan, this idea, that I would say ‘You’re Rupert Grint! Wow. Oh my god. I really loved you in Thunder Pants’… which would make him laugh because obviously I wouldn’t know him from Thunder Pants right? Obviously I would know him from Harry Potter, but by making that joke I’d show him I was funny and clever and not afraid of famous people, and probably exactly the kind of girl he should be going out with. 

I remember being eleven, sitting in the living room at home and rewinding and rewatching the moment in the first film where they’re playing the giant chess game and Ron says ‘Knight to H3’. Thinking about how brave he was, sacrificing himself so Harry and Hermione could go through to the next stage of the challenge. I’d fantasise about kissing him, pushing my face into a pillow, or my forearm or hand. I’d daydream about visiting his house, meeting his mum and dad and all of his siblings. 

When I was that age, I didn’t really have any shame about obsessing over people, or about fancying them. I was pretty ferocious. That comes later I think, the shame.  

Do you remember Ursula, from The Little Mermaid? I think…and this is going to sound gross right but…I think I might have got…a bit turned on by her. Don’t, I know, I know, I know that’s fucking weird but I just remember watching her in the film and being like ‘hm that’s interesting, I feel something about that’. But when you’re that age your sexuality is defined by the characters you see on tv. Like everyone fancied Robin Hood even though he was a fox. No one wants to talk about what the fuck was going on in their head at the time but it’s a fact. 

At least I was learning about those sorts of feelings from Disney and Harry Potter and not fucking PornHub like kids today. That’s fucked up.

Anyway. I’ve started watching Girls, for Adam Driver obviously, and this is going to be an unpopular opinion but, I’m really not that into it. I know I’m meant to be like, ‘wow that’s so me am I right ladies?!’, but I’m just not. It’s ok. It’s fine. Like it does something for lots of people so that’s totally fine, but it’s not amazing. 

I think I don’t like stuff that thinks it knows you already. Basically, anything that has inspired some marketing director to say ‘this is gonna totally resonate with women in their 20’s, right?! This totally sums them up!’ Only algorithms know what I want…though I guess they are programmed by marketing people…whatever.

Most of my fantasies pivot around me being desired or revered in some way. When I’m in the shower I practice what I’ll say when I win an Oscar, or a Nobel Peace Prize, or when Vogue interview me. Fame and fortune. Though I’m pretty sure you don’t get those things from sitting in your pants, obsessing over the lives of famous people. 

I think I just love to daydream. Obsessing is a bit like that. Making stuff up in your head cos it feels good and passes the time. 

Like I said though, it’s probably just the isolation. I don’t think it’s meaningful or says anything about who I am or want I want or need. What you obsess over at 3pm on a Tuesday has nothing to do with who you are the rest of the time. Besides, everyone ends up in some pretty shameful places in their head when no one’s watching.

Adam Driver by Luke Richmond

Bridie Donaghy is a London-based writer, producer & performer. You can find her on twitter @bridie_donaghy

Luke Richmond is a primary school teacher from London. When he’s not marking books and planning lessons he tries to find time to draw because his therapist said it’s good for him. You can find him @expletivesdeleted and his art @expletivesdrawleted.